Hoboken

Hoboken – Everyone who lives there acts like they prefer it to Manhattan. They’re lying.

Taurus

Taurus Wagon - one of Ford’s “if you ride in the backseat facing backwards it feels like you’re in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon,” models. Most mechanics refer to it exclusively as the “CliTaurus.”

Tarantino

Tarantino – hyperactive/retarded director of often graphic and campy films like: Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill I & II, and Reservoir Dogs. Next up for Quentin, a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock called "Die, Talentless Cunt."

Saturday Night Live

Saturday Night Live – sketch comedy show that has launched many a career: Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, David Spade… I said the show launched their careers, sustaining them is another issue altogether.

Arsenio Hall

Arsenio Hall - black late night talk show host who rose to prominence when people decided Johnny Carson wasn't really "down with the kids." Creator of the "Dog Pound" and the "shake your fist in the air rhythmically while 'woofing'" phenomenon that is generally only used ironically nowadays. During his 1992 campaign, Clinton came on Arsenio... and played the saxophone. People shit themselves.
Now, it appears as though he's preparing for the lead in Juwanna Mann II.

tattoos

tattoos – some say tattoos are the ultimate form of personal expression, some say they are an abomination tampering with what God made. I say neither. Tattoos should be obtained in one of three ways: 1) on a dare 2) as a joke, and 3) against your will… the best tats come from a combination of all three.

Heelys

Heelys - sneakers with retractable wheels... or what separates the tools from the boys.

Swedish Fish

Swedish Fish - fish shaped gummy candy of which no one can eat more than 7 without getting nauseous... then wait 5 minutes, and eat 7 more, and repeat until the bag is gone.

squash

squash – one of the lesser known racket sports. No one has actually ever played squash, the sport is merely mentioned in conversation by pompous cocksuckers trying to impress women.

Camaro

Camaro – muscle car of choice for guys named Randy everywhere. Trunk can be easily converted into a rolling meth lab or pirated DVD outlet.

instant party

Just add Zima and a boom box... and maybe a Sisqo CD.

Little League

Little League - the genesis of more revisionist history than all the first dates and World Wars put together. Suddenly, every Dad played semi-pro ball in the Dominican and was a late season call up for the Padres in the late 80's. Then they scream down their kid for "embarrassing your family."

candy

candy - what child molesters used to use to lure kids into their vans. Now they use Razor scooters and Heelys.

"Hell Yeah"

"Hell Yeah" - the only appropriate and acceptable response when your shirtless friend lobs you the keys to his Jeep while simultaneously showering you with a "Road Trip" chant.

Gillette Mach 3 razor

Gillette Mach 3 razor – a razor with three, count ‘em, three blades. The first blade cuts the hair, the second conditions it with lotion, and the third weaves it into a pube sweater.

floater

floater – shit that just won’t go down. Not to be confused with a chick that just won't go down... that's a cock tease.

bikini

bikini - or as I refer to them: "Boner Factories." It helps if a hot girl is running the factory.

Dunkin' Donuts

Dunkin’ Donuts – what America runs on, apparently. I always thought we ran on a cocktail of equal parts meth, steroids, and dreams.

Dom Perignon

Dom Perignon – apparently, this is some really expensive champagne. I wouldn’t know off hand because the most expensive thing I ever had to drink was a half empty bottle of water from the Britney Spears “Onyx Hotel” Tour that I bought on eBay.

Dinty Moore Beef Stew

Dinty Moore Beef Stew – uncontested leader in the “canned meat stew type food” category. Its selling point is its versatility. It makes for a nutritious pet food, a sufficient engine and sexual lubricant, convincing novelty vomit, potent laxative, enriching garden fertilizer. You might say it's worst when used as food for humans.