Rosie O'Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell – big, fat, morbidly ugly D-list celebrity famous for having sex with women.

Ron Jeremy

Ron Jeremy – big, fat, morbidly ugly D-list celebrity famous for having sex with women.

WrestleMania

WrestleMania – what my weird uncle tried to convince me we were having, shirtless on his futon. Also, the WWE’s (formerly WWF) annual extravaganza of fake wrestling and bad acting.

TGI Friday's

TGI Friday’s – well known family restaurant chain. I once got an Italian sub there and it made me convulse... in a bad way. The chef must have prepared it with his feet.

tar heroin

tar heroin – heroin from Mexico that looks and feels like roofing tar. If you shoot some heroin, you will inevitably end up in Charlie Sheen’s living room… everyone does.

skid-mark

skid-mark – better to leave them in the toilet than in your underwear, although I’ve done both, it’s a fine line between pride and shame. If you skid-mark the toilet, you’re a hardcore macho man; skid-mark your underwear and you’re a disgrace who shits his pants.

Kid 'N Play

Kid ‘N Play – in an era of high top fade haircuts and mustard colored overalls, Kid ‘N Play reigned supreme. The rap and dance duo starred in the three highly successful House Party films, if by “highly successful” you mean “movies I saw four times in the theater.”

Old Spice

Old Spice – replacing showers for men since 1938.

midget tossing

midget tossing – it’s literally, tossing midgets for distance and prizes, and I swear I saw it regularly on television when I was a kid. There are worse things they could be tossing… like horse manure or babies.

Judas

Judas – screwed Jesus over, hardcore. And if the Bible told the whole story, I’m sure he cock-blocked him once or twice too.

Jack Daniels

Jack Daniels – popular brand of Tennessee whiskey. Fuel for domestic abuse, bar fights, and wetting the bed after doing both of those things.

Fast Food Nation

Fast Food Nation – a book that I thought was going to be about how awesome fast food is… it’s not.

C3PO's left testicle

C3PO’s left testicle – I imagine it’s well oiled and made of some exotic alloy… so you could say that C3PO’s left testicle is “exotic and well oiled,” it’s also much larger than his right, not at all unlike mine.

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano – starred in programs such as Who’s The Boss, Charmed, and my first wet dream.

Equator

Equator – hot imaginary line.

pull string

pull string – an implement of the toy industry to make dolls and action figures talk, for those children who really have no friends.

Schnapps

Schnapps – for its myriad of fruity flavors, Schnapps is a popular choice of liquor among 13-16 year old girls breaking into their parents’ liquor cabinets at sleep overs.

Reba McIntyre

Reba McIntyre – red-headed country singer now starring in her own sitcom called “Reba,” and joining Tony Danza on the list of actors too stupid to play a character with a name other than their own. One time “Reba” was on… by accident.

Pauly Shore

Pauly Shore – no one had more undeserving sex with hot women than Pauly Shore, and no one made such brilliant and misunderstood films: Bio Dome, Son in Law, Encino Man… need I go on? Actually, I really can’t go much further than that.

pant-suit

pant-suit – implies that at some point in time suits came without pants.

Canada

Canada – the United States 10 years ago.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan – on my list of “Women I Might Let Sodomize Me With A Broomstick,” Mean Girls era Lohan is number one.

Intelligent Design

Intelligent Design – it has something to do with God, Darwin, Bigfoot, Einstein, and chimpanzees. I’m not sure what, but that would be a fucking awesome band.

Def Leppard

Def Leppard – despite the efforts of their one armed drummer, Rick Allen, Def Leppard sucks.

crystal meth/meth

crystal meth/meth – nothing you can’t make with whatever you find in your garage, shed, basement, or crawl space and sell to people in the sporting goods department of Wal-Mart.

beef jerky

beef jerky – sounds sexual, right? Well it is, but it’s also meat that is smoked into oblivion for snacking purposes. Slim Jim (sounds sexual, right?) is arguably the most popular due to commercials featuring Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

Bartles & Jaymes

Bartles & Jaymes – one of the leaders of the wine cooler boom of the mid 1980’s, a boom that was personally extended well into the 90’s by my ex-girlfriend.

Axe Body Spray

Axe body spray – deodorant body spray that will make women attack you at the slightest whiff, whether they’re turned on or just disoriented by the pungency is up for debate.

Cat Scratch Fever

Cat Scratch Fever – the only Ted Nugent song I could think of. For 50 points, can you name another?

gonorrhea

gonorrhea – sexually transmitted disease that can be spread from mother to baby in delivery. How pissed would you be if you got gonorrhea from your Mom? You can't high five to that.

Talk to the Hand

Hey, talk to the hand! – when someone is fed up with you, they might use this phrase. The phrase, like most other catch phrases, hit rock bottom when I heard my mother use it.

Life's A Bitch T-Shirt

Life’s A Bitch t-Shirt – I’ve never seen a thin person wear one of these shirts, they always opt for the clever variation, “Life’s A Beach.” And the rift between fat and skinny people has never been summed up so succinctly.

Mr. T

Mr. T – Mr. T ruled the 80’s with a mohawk, a lot of gold chains, a denim vest, a breakfast cereal, a cartoon series, an action figure, and a hit primetime TV show. Now I assume he rules the car wash he works at in much the same way.

Trans Am

Trans Am – The car I wanted from the time I was five years old until I became aware of the responsibility that comes with being a Trans Am owner: selling cigarettes and stolen car stereos out of the trunk to high school kids, complete knowledge of the vehicle right down to the ball bearings, and tight jeans.

I'm Too Sexy

I’m Too Sexy – a song by Right Said Fred from 1992 that was performed by dudes who were about as sexy as a goiter. The song was a runaway hit due to lyrics that were easily subjected to improvisation by office hacks and older people trying to sound hip to younger people. Ex: “I’m too sexy for my (insert situation/appropriate lame object here).”

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days – another Kate Hudson vehicle that left me wishing she had bigger boobs.

Sledge-O-Matic

Sledge-O-Matic - A huge, wooden mallet. Hilarious, right?

Gallagher

Gallagher – before Carrot Top, Gallagher was the comedian you referenced to describe people who were uncharacteristically lame and not funny despite their best efforts. These people are largely Gallagher fans. Coincidence?

Gallagher is infamous for smashing watermelons with his “Sledge-O-Matic.”

El Dorado

El Dorado – the luxury car of all luxury cars. If you had to trace the origin of every person born in the 70’s, 42% would lead you to the backseat of an El Dorado.

combat boots

combat boots – conflicted footwear that sends the mixed message of both hardcore punk and gay biker’s bitch.

clubbing

clubbing – an activity that requires gold chains, chest hair, chinos, low self-esteem, hair gel, booze, Dakkar, and Techno.

Statue of Liberty

Statue of Liberty – statue that welcomes foreigners into the United States, unless you look suspicious, then it just stares accusingly until the cavity search is over.

Tito Jackson

Tito Jackson – of the Jacksons, the one I always thought could have played power forward for the Knicks.

Titanic

Titanic – immense “unsinkable” cruise ship that almost killed Leonardo DiCaprio in April of 1912. Thank God it didn’t.

The Drunk Backstreet Boy

the drunk Backstreet Boy – sick of being called “the ugly Backstreet Boy,” A.J. McLean checked into rehab during the height of the group’s popularity in order to become “the drunk Backstreet Boy.” Now people just call him, “Who?”

"It's all you"

“It’s all you” – equally cheesy line for weight room use. Sometimes I just scream it at guys at the drinking fountain.

"Feel the burn!"

“Feel the burn” – cheesy line you scream while spotting someone in the weight room. Also, often heard emanating from my bathroom late at night after some questionable chili.