Hoboken

Hoboken – Everyone who lives there acts like they prefer it to Manhattan. They’re lying.

Taurus

Taurus Wagon - one of Ford’s “if you ride in the backseat facing backwards it feels like you’re in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon,” models. Most mechanics refer to it exclusively as the “CliTaurus.”

Tarantino

Tarantino – hyperactive/retarded director of often graphic and campy films like: Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill I & II, and Reservoir Dogs. Next up for Quentin, a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock called "Die, Talentless Cunt."

Saturday Night Live

Saturday Night Live – sketch comedy show that has launched many a career: Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, David Spade… I said the show launched their careers, sustaining them is another issue altogether.

Arsenio Hall

Arsenio Hall - black late night talk show host who rose to prominence when people decided Johnny Carson wasn't really "down with the kids." Creator of the "Dog Pound" and the "shake your fist in the air rhythmically while 'woofing'" phenomenon that is generally only used ironically nowadays. During his 1992 campaign, Clinton came on Arsenio... and played the saxophone. People shit themselves.
Now, it appears as though he's preparing for the lead in Juwanna Mann II.

tattoos

tattoos – some say tattoos are the ultimate form of personal expression, some say they are an abomination tampering with what God made. I say neither. Tattoos should be obtained in one of three ways: 1) on a dare 2) as a joke, and 3) against your will… the best tats come from a combination of all three.

Heelys

Heelys - sneakers with retractable wheels... or what separates the tools from the boys.

Swedish Fish

Swedish Fish - fish shaped gummy candy of which no one can eat more than 7 without getting nauseous... then wait 5 minutes, and eat 7 more, and repeat until the bag is gone.

squash

squash – one of the lesser known racket sports. No one has actually ever played squash, the sport is merely mentioned in conversation by pompous cocksuckers trying to impress women.

Camaro

Camaro – muscle car of choice for guys named Randy everywhere. Trunk can be easily converted into a rolling meth lab or pirated DVD outlet.

instant party

Just add Zima and a boom box... and maybe a Sisqo CD.

Little League

Little League - the genesis of more revisionist history than all the first dates and World Wars put together. Suddenly, every Dad played semi-pro ball in the Dominican and was a late season call up for the Padres in the late 80's. Then they scream down their kid for "embarrassing your family."

candy

candy - what child molesters used to use to lure kids into their vans. Now they use Razor scooters and Heelys.

"Hell Yeah"

"Hell Yeah" - the only appropriate and acceptable response when your shirtless friend lobs you the keys to his Jeep while simultaneously showering you with a "Road Trip" chant.

Gillette Mach 3 razor

Gillette Mach 3 razor – a razor with three, count ‘em, three blades. The first blade cuts the hair, the second conditions it with lotion, and the third weaves it into a pube sweater.

floater

floater – shit that just won’t go down. Not to be confused with a chick that just won't go down... that's a cock tease.

bikini

bikini - or as I refer to them: "Boner Factories." It helps if a hot girl is running the factory.

Dunkin' Donuts

Dunkin’ Donuts – what America runs on, apparently. I always thought we ran on a cocktail of equal parts meth, steroids, and dreams.

Dom Perignon

Dom Perignon – apparently, this is some really expensive champagne. I wouldn’t know off hand because the most expensive thing I ever had to drink was a half empty bottle of water from the Britney Spears “Onyx Hotel” Tour that I bought on eBay.

Dinty Moore Beef Stew

Dinty Moore Beef Stew – uncontested leader in the “canned meat stew type food” category. Its selling point is its versatility. It makes for a nutritious pet food, a sufficient engine and sexual lubricant, convincing novelty vomit, potent laxative, enriching garden fertilizer. You might say it's worst when used as food for humans.

hiplace

hiplace - a necklace you wear around your hips for maximum fuckability. I put one on a year ago and haven't seen it since.

"Do it to it!"

"Do it to it!" - term used by small engine mechanics, custodians, and anyone who wears flannel regularly. It's really the thinking man's "Git 'R Done!"

Jamiroquai

Jamiroquai – band from the 90’s that specialized in having an over the top annoying lead singer (Jay Kay) who wore a stupid looking hat all the time. Stay tuned for their appearance at the Shoney's off exit 44 on I-77 in Beckley, WV: half price apps.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson – hands down, one of the sexiest women this world has known. She’s so sexy I’m not even going to do a “Baywatch” joke here… or a Tommy Lee joke… or a hepatitis joke… or a Kid Rock joke… or a Barb Wire joke… or a PETA joke. OK, maybe a PETA joke: Isn’t fucking Kid Rock some sort of animal rights violation, like molesting a retarded chimp?

Nick at Nite

Nick at Nite – helping keep losers (including myself) occupied 24 hours a day by programming hours and hours of late night vintage sitcoms. Actually forces people to ask the question: "Can I afford to watch another Home Improvement, I mean, psychologically?"

Jenny Craig

Jenny Craig – what you tell fat people to try when you want to stop arguing with them.

Christmas

Christmas - Holiday that brought about the term "Gentile Envy."

Black & Decker Workmate

Black & Decker Workmate – for the man who has everything except something completely useless.

Bible

Bible – either the best book of short stories ever written or the worst. Depends on who you ask.

Andre the Giant

Andre the Giant – his head was the size of a Buick, he could squash babies between his fingers, and he was one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but isn’t calling him “The Giant,” kind of rude and redundant?

Ace of Base

Ace of Base – atrocious 90’s band that my freshman year roommate, Dan Drews, played non-stop. Their song “The Sign” was responsible for more awful dancing than Moby and ecstasy put together.

Rec Specs

Rec Specs - spectacles for recreational purposes. Made famous by athletes and now relegated to people who pick them out of lost and found boxes at the Y.

Rascal

Rascal - motorized transportation for, apparently, anyone. Every time I see one I try to guess why the person might need it. If they're not 450 lbs, 100 years old, or wearing a full body cast, they are cocksuckers.

vacation

vacation - time when you don't update your blog.
Ex: last week

Disney World

Disney World - family fat camp with limited results.

minivan

minivan - the ultimate symbol of America. Nothing says "suburban apathy" like a Dodge Caravan full of sweaty 9 year olds... unfortunately, nothing says "sex offender" like that either.

Single Ladies

Single Ladies - Beyonce song with a powerful message of female empowerment, negated only by millions of guys rattling off loads into empty pizza boxes watching the video on their iPods as their roommate sleeps in the bed above them. You can burn something in effigy, but can you jerk off to something in effigy? You can now! ^

Paul Bearer

Paul Bearer - ghastly looking obese manager/father of brothers Kane and The Undertaker... making their full names Kane Bearer and Undertaker Bearer.

World Series

World Series – the pinnacle of Major League Baseball, except for making millions of dollars and sleeping with road whores.

Onyx

Onyx - rap group from the mid-90's that was so angry, I'm sure they would have beat the shit out of me if they ever caught wind that I purchased their album. A job that I would do myself right now, if I could go back in time.

Five Dollar Footlong

Five Dollar Footlong- Exclusive offer from Subway that promises anal leakage for just five dollars. If the food doesn't deliver this, the commercials certainly will. It also implies that we want to pay less to eat more, when I'd much rather pay $10 to not have to eat at Subway.

dick candy

dick candy - a play on the popular term "eye candy," but for your dick.

Ex: Your bro: "Check out that piece of eye candy!"
You: "Awwww yeah, she's about to become a piece of creamy dick candy!"
Your bro: "Don't you mean, 'hand candy?'"
You: "No, it's not candy for my hand, although I might sneak in a little fingerblast."
Your bro: "I was implying that your dick will be candy for your hand, as in 'you'll be whacking off for years before she's dick candy.' But apparently, I don't fully grasp the body part to candy dynamic."
You: "It's simple. 'eye candy' means candy for your eyes. So all other candies are candy for whatever body part precedes them. There's mouth candy, ear candy, elbow candy, ass candy, etc."
Your bro: "Oh, now I get it. You're a jackass. Got it."

______ - Head

_______-Head - catch-all nickname maker. Just put any word to describe a person in the blank and Voila! instant nickname.
Ex: you see a kid eating french fries... call him your Fry-Head. See a dick... call him Dick-Head. See your friend... call him Stop Leaving Pubes on the Seat-Head.

mustache

mustache - hair on your upper lip. Mustaches used to be a sign of supreme masculinity and sex appeal (see Magnum PI), but somewhere along the line, mustaches became symbols of pedophilia and pornography, and in many cases, both. I blame Keith Hernandez.

American Idol

American Idol - arguably, the closest thing to fascism that currently exists in our culture. The people "feel like" they have a say. But at the end of the day, they're just coronating the next music robot that will one day plunder the orifices of the marginalized classes with their 3 pronged "music probes." That's fascism, right?

spandex

spandex – in general, spandex is a wonderful invention preventing crotch and thigh chafe for millions of people worldwide. But when you pack a suitcase full of them... and no other clothing... and book a one way ticket to Aruba, that’s a blatant misuse of the fabric.
Goes well with mesh, and douchebag ---->

mohawk

mohawk - it's a Native American Tribe and a haircut all in one. Developed by punks in the 70's, popularized my Mr.T in the 80's, then forgotten amidst the rise of the mullet and made lame by suburban teens trying to piss off their guidance counselors in the 90's, then restored to prominence again by Euro trash soccer players in the 00's, and finally humiliated by Mr. T last week at a car wash brawl when a customer refused to tip him after, what T considered, "some pretty fucking tight chamois skills."

wife-beater

skinny-dipping

skinny-dipping – swimming naked, generally done at night with someone of the opposite sex. It’s always fun until the cops come or your neighbors get home and find you “dipping your skinny” all over their diving board.

Velcro

Velcro – invention that makes never having to tie your shoes again, possible. It’s a trade off though, as Velcro shoes are generally reserved for the elderly, the mentally challenged, and children under five.

T.I.T.S.

T.I.T.S. – stands for "Texas Interstate Truck Stop," and likely the cause of many a frustrated, disappointed, and confused traveler as a result.

shiv

shiv – a sharp blade, usually homemade, that’s perfect for stabbing someone on the sly. Popular in prison yards and at little league games.

Sinbad

Sinbad – “comedian” who got big in the 80’s for his family friendly brand of shitty comedy. He really understood that black people and white people are different. Capitalized on the “purple leather jumpsuit” movement of the era. If not for his work in Necessary Roughness, he’d be a complete drain on society.

Speed Stick

Speed Stick – line of deodorant and antiperspirant, although applying deodorant is not an activity that should be done for speed.

Breakfast Daglewood

Breakfast Daglewood - Denny's menu item that was discontinued after multiple arrests for "aggrevated colon assault." When asked about the sandwich's conspicuous absence from the menu, a spokesman for Danny's said, "we have enough things on the menu that assault the colon just barely within the limits of the law. The last thing we need in our repertoire are rogue items tearing colons to shreds with no regard for fluid loss. It makes things that much tougher for Moons Over My Hammy and the Lumberjack Slam."

shitstorm

shitstorm – when you have a lot of shit to do and not enough time to do it. Also, the fallout of a major screw up at work or in your relationship. Ex: “I asked the guy if he wanted some fresh ground pepper, and he said ‘no,’ so I spit in his face. It’s been a shitstorm around here ever since. Or, “my girlfriend caught me going down on her mother, but if I can endure this shitstorm, we should be able to make it work... and my girlfriend will just have to get over it.”

sherpa

sherpa – dudes with intimate knowledge of mountains and jungles that guide travelers with only a donkey, a walking stick, and a backpack full of beef jerky. You also need one to navigate most vaginas.
The donkey's in the backpack ---->

Saved By The Bell

Saved By The Bell – one of the greatest shows ever aired on television for its incredibly high cheese factor and alarmingly unrealistic portrayal of teen life… except for the one when they discover oil on Bayside grounds, that happens all the time. One time Zack, Slater, Screech, Jesse, Kelly, and Lisa got into a crazy predicament and learned a lesson at the end.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus – talk about a sex offender lying in wait, he has a list of every naughty boy and girl in the world. You can’t even get that on MySpace.