Paul Bearer

Paul Bearer - ghastly looking obese manager/father of brothers Kane and The Undertaker... making their full names Kane Bearer and Undertaker Bearer.

World Series

World Series – the pinnacle of Major League Baseball, except for making millions of dollars and sleeping with road whores.

Onyx

Onyx - rap group from the mid-90's that was so angry, I'm sure they would have beat the shit out of me if they ever caught wind that I purchased their album. A job that I would do myself right now, if I could go back in time.

Five Dollar Footlong

Five Dollar Footlong- Exclusive offer from Subway that promises anal leakage for just five dollars. If the food doesn't deliver this, the commercials certainly will. It also implies that we want to pay less to eat more, when I'd much rather pay $10 to not have to eat at Subway.

dick candy

dick candy - a play on the popular term "eye candy," but for your dick.

Ex: Your bro: "Check out that piece of eye candy!"
You: "Awwww yeah, she's about to become a piece of creamy dick candy!"
Your bro: "Don't you mean, 'hand candy?'"
You: "No, it's not candy for my hand, although I might sneak in a little fingerblast."
Your bro: "I was implying that your dick will be candy for your hand, as in 'you'll be whacking off for years before she's dick candy.' But apparently, I don't fully grasp the body part to candy dynamic."
You: "It's simple. 'eye candy' means candy for your eyes. So all other candies are candy for whatever body part precedes them. There's mouth candy, ear candy, elbow candy, ass candy, etc."
Your bro: "Oh, now I get it. You're a jackass. Got it."

______ - Head

_______-Head - catch-all nickname maker. Just put any word to describe a person in the blank and Voila! instant nickname.
Ex: you see a kid eating french fries... call him your Fry-Head. See a dick... call him Dick-Head. See your friend... call him Stop Leaving Pubes on the Seat-Head.

mustache

mustache - hair on your upper lip. Mustaches used to be a sign of supreme masculinity and sex appeal (see Magnum PI), but somewhere along the line, mustaches became symbols of pedophilia and pornography, and in many cases, both. I blame Keith Hernandez.

American Idol

American Idol - arguably, the closest thing to fascism that currently exists in our culture. The people "feel like" they have a say. But at the end of the day, they're just coronating the next music robot that will one day plunder the orifices of the marginalized classes with their 3 pronged "music probes." That's fascism, right?

spandex

spandex – in general, spandex is a wonderful invention preventing crotch and thigh chafe for millions of people worldwide. But when you pack a suitcase full of them... and no other clothing... and book a one way ticket to Aruba, that’s a blatant misuse of the fabric.
Goes well with mesh, and douchebag ---->

mohawk

mohawk - it's a Native American Tribe and a haircut all in one. Developed by punks in the 70's, popularized my Mr.T in the 80's, then forgotten amidst the rise of the mullet and made lame by suburban teens trying to piss off their guidance counselors in the 90's, then restored to prominence again by Euro trash soccer players in the 00's, and finally humiliated by Mr. T last week at a car wash brawl when a customer refused to tip him after, what T considered, "some pretty fucking tight chamois skills."

wife-beater

skinny-dipping

skinny-dipping – swimming naked, generally done at night with someone of the opposite sex. It’s always fun until the cops come or your neighbors get home and find you “dipping your skinny” all over their diving board.

Velcro

Velcro – invention that makes never having to tie your shoes again, possible. It’s a trade off though, as Velcro shoes are generally reserved for the elderly, the mentally challenged, and children under five.

T.I.T.S.

T.I.T.S. – stands for "Texas Interstate Truck Stop," and likely the cause of many a frustrated, disappointed, and confused traveler as a result.

shiv

shiv – a sharp blade, usually homemade, that’s perfect for stabbing someone on the sly. Popular in prison yards and at little league games.

Sinbad

Sinbad – “comedian” who got big in the 80’s for his family friendly brand of shitty comedy. He really understood that black people and white people are different. Capitalized on the “purple leather jumpsuit” movement of the era. If not for his work in Necessary Roughness, he’d be a complete drain on society.

Speed Stick

Speed Stick – line of deodorant and antiperspirant, although applying deodorant is not an activity that should be done for speed.

Breakfast Daglewood

Breakfast Daglewood - Denny's menu item that was discontinued after multiple arrests for "aggrevated colon assault." When asked about the sandwich's conspicuous absence from the menu, a spokesman for Danny's said, "we have enough things on the menu that assault the colon just barely within the limits of the law. The last thing we need in our repertoire are rogue items tearing colons to shreds with no regard for fluid loss. It makes things that much tougher for Moons Over My Hammy and the Lumberjack Slam."

shitstorm

shitstorm – when you have a lot of shit to do and not enough time to do it. Also, the fallout of a major screw up at work or in your relationship. Ex: “I asked the guy if he wanted some fresh ground pepper, and he said ‘no,’ so I spit in his face. It’s been a shitstorm around here ever since. Or, “my girlfriend caught me going down on her mother, but if I can endure this shitstorm, we should be able to make it work... and my girlfriend will just have to get over it.”

sherpa

sherpa – dudes with intimate knowledge of mountains and jungles that guide travelers with only a donkey, a walking stick, and a backpack full of beef jerky. You also need one to navigate most vaginas.
The donkey's in the backpack ---->

Saved By The Bell

Saved By The Bell – one of the greatest shows ever aired on television for its incredibly high cheese factor and alarmingly unrealistic portrayal of teen life… except for the one when they discover oil on Bayside grounds, that happens all the time. One time Zack, Slater, Screech, Jesse, Kelly, and Lisa got into a crazy predicament and learned a lesson at the end.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus – talk about a sex offender lying in wait, he has a list of every naughty boy and girl in the world. You can’t even get that on MySpace.

rugby

rugby – next to wrestling, the most homoerotic of all the men’s heavy contact sports. I’m pretty sure “scrum” is British slang for “cornholing.”

Photo Shop

Photo Shop – computer software that allows you to manipulate photos for both the forces of good (giving yourself a huge cock or tits... or both) and evil (giving the candidate running against you a Hitler mustache).

Krispy Kreme

Krispy Kreme – the only foodstuff I would have sex with... without involving a dare or a bet.

Kimbo Slice

Kimbo Slice - gargantuan pugilist whose rags to riches story took him from beating the shit out of assholes in backyards on YouTube to beating the shit out of assholes in The Octagon... and a role in a Drake and Josh Christmas movie. He seems to be positioning himself for the lead role in the upcoming Mr. T biopic.

glory hole

glory hole – the only term used for a woman’s vagina that makes me giggle every time... unless it's accompanied by a merkin.
Note: I am aware of the "hole in the bathroom stall" style glory hole for optimum anonymous gay head.