Super Bowl

Super Bowl - bowl that wears a cape and fights crime... and is gay.

Satan

Satan – seemingly a pretty cool dude: the ultimate Biblical bad boy, horns, cloved feet, rocking the pitchfork, condoning unprotected sex, producing Tyler Perry movies, working at Denny's, telling people to buy vests. But for some reason, not everyone’s a fan.

riblet basket

riblet basket – BBQ'd ribs sold by the basketful. I’m not sure what a “riblet” is or what animal they come from, but all signs seem to point to dwarfs or midgets.

Kit Kat

Kit Kat – a brand of candy bar that I exclusively ate for breakfast in the summers of 1994-1996. Break me off a piece!

LaToya Jackson

LaToya Jackson – one of the crazier Jacksons whose Playboy spread in March of 1989, oddly enough, got me through some confusing times. There was a snake involved... I'm not sure if that makes it any better.

mosh pit

mosh pit – formerly known as “slam dancing” in the punk world, the mosh pit was born out of the grunge era in the mid 90’s. It’s basically an unspecified area in front of the stage where fans ceremoniously beat the crap out of each other to the music.

Reebok

Reebok – my top 10 brands of athletic shoes: Nike, Converse, Puma, Pony, Roos, New Balance, British Knights, LA Gear, shoe boxes duct taped to my feet, and Reebok.

diesel

diesel - adjective to describe someone who is abnormally fit in the muscle area. Think Schwarzenegger in Predator or me for about a week in 9th grade.

satin windbreakers

satin windbreakers – light jacket largely worn by JV baseball teams and 70 year old American Legion members. Best if embroidered with a nickname like “Hammer” on the front and a huge fire breathing dragon on the back.

Super Size Me

Super Size Me – documentary film about McDonalds food being bad for you… no shit. What’s next, a documentary about mustaches making you look awesome?

Dominoes

Dominoes - a game that I never had the patience to learn how to play. I think you have to know math. Not to be confused with the pizza chain that made The Noid famous in the 90's.

Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton – arguably the most famous breasts of all time. Dolly and Pam Anderson should have a cage match to decide once and for all. Also started the movement toward calling loud, obnoxious women, "sassy."

assless suede chaps

assless suede chaps – actually all chaps are assless, so calling chaps "assless" is rather redundant. Chaps serve some sort of cowboy purpose as well as a sadomasochistic one.

Butt Thunder

Butt Thunder - a term for really bad gas that I think I just made up? Although, its simplicity would suggest no.

Patch Adams

Patch Adams – movie that I have never seen, but one that I know is so bad that it will get a laugh if I mention it. It’s the one where Robin Williams plays an over the top hack. Not specific enough? The one where he dresses like a clown. Not ringing a bell? The one where he's insufferably annoying. No help? Ok, the one where he does a bunch of impressions. Nope, not Mrs. Doubtfire. Fucking Patch Adams!

carcoplesy

carcolepsy - a disorder that makes you fall asleep during even the swiftest of car rides. Two of my kids have raging cases of it. Not sure if it's the seat belt or the steady diet of Yanni, but they're out within 5 minutes of ignition. Please donate.

Penthouse

Penthouse – skin mag that, taste wise, is somewhere between Playboy and Hustler.

Peter Cetera

Peter Cetera – former frontman of the band Chicago. As a singer, makes Michael Jackson sound like Barry White. His song “Glory of Love” was on every girl’s mix tape produced in 1986… and hasn’t been heard since.

potpourri

potpourri – what amounts to a bowl of scented wood chips and dried flowers. Aroma lasts for all of 30 seconds, then you’re the asshole with a bowl of wood chips and dried flowers on your coffee table.

stress ball

stress ball – rubber ball filled with unknown goop that you squeeze instead of mowing down pedestrians with your Dodge Stratus. If ingested, wait and see what color it turns your shit.

Food Boner

Food Boner - an erection brought on by the sight, smell, taste, or thought of foodstuffs. Pudding gets particularly messy.

Swap Sheet

Swap Sheet – newspaper where you can buy or sell anything from original Ford Pinto hub caps to rebuilt outboard motors. The redneck Wall Street Journal.

Rom Com - what cool people call Romantic Comedies, the much misunderstood film genre. The misunderstanding coming from people who think guys who like them are gay. But what's more gay: getting head from a lady friend during Maid in Manhattan, or giving your bro a back rub during The Fast and the Furious?

Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent – borderline insane redneck rocker whose trademark is wearing a loincloth and riding a fake buffalo during his concerts. If he wasn’t a musician, he’d be hunting you for sport right now.

Tilt-A-Whirl

Tilt-A-Whirl – carnival ride that both tilts and whirls at the same time. If you grease Chet (the ride operator in overalls with no shirt) with a tin of Skoal, he’ll let you ride for free.

Travis Tritt

Travis Tritt – he’s a country singer, but couldn’t you have guessed that just by looking at his name? Someone named Travis Tritt is destined to be one of three things: a rodeo clown, a bouncer, or a country singer.

tube top

tube top – piece of clothing that can either look incredible or atrocious depending on the wearer. Carmen Electra in a tube top, incredible. Oprah in a tube top, atrocious.

Crime and Punishment

Crime and Punishment – a classic novel by Dostoyevsky, also a great name for my balls.

vajungle

vajungle - A particularly unkempt vagina. So unkempt, one might think it's a jungle.