acid-washed jeans

acid-washed jeans – why people would wash their jeans in acid is beyond me, but everyone from 1986-1990 did.

Zima

Zima – much maligned alcoholic beverage that wasn’t beer, wasn’t liquor, and wasn’t wine. Zima was responsible for countless freshman females’ one night forays into lesbianism, and for countless beatings for freshman guys caught drinking it.

Winger

Winger – awful 80’s/90’s hair metal band. Thought provoking lyrics like, “She’s only seventeen, daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me” and “She’s a magic mountain, she’s a leather glove,” are what made this band special.

The Beaver Lodge

The Beaver Lodge – as far as I know, this is the name of a strip club that I made up based on my knowledge of euphemism and innuendo, but I have a feeling there’s a real Beaver Lodge out there somewhere.

superheroes

superheroes – anyone with super powers and homoerotic tendencies. My super power is identifying celebrity voices in animated movies.

Playboy

Playboy – if you just want to see airbrushed naked women and read interviews with Burt Reynolds, this is the magazine for you.

perms

perms – at some point in the 70’s white people wanted to have afros, and the perm was born.

Leo

Leo – zodiac sign of the lion. According to my ex-girlfriend’s mother, whenever anything good happened it was because she was a Leo. Whenever anything bad happened it was because her daughter was overweight and overbearing.

Jason Seaver

Jason Seaver – the incomparable Alan Thicke lent his smooth and Canadian acting stylings to the role of Jason Seaver, the father on Growing Pains. One time Jason yelled at Mike for having a party at the house while they were away.

herpes

herpes – as far as I know, it’s the only STD with its own website, www.herpes.com. Check it out for some hot herpes action.

granola

granola – in blind taste tests where participants were asked to guess the ingredients of the granola they were tasting, the three most popular guesses were: dirt, some sort of dried animal feces, and sawdust.

Denny's Grand Slam

Denny’s Grand Slam – 2 pancakes, 2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon and 2 sausage links. A great meal that I always felt was a little too skimpy on portion size. Shouldn’t a grand slam be four of everything?

Class of '92 tassel

Class of ’92 tassel – if you ever placed your graduation tassel on your rearview mirror, there’s a line forming over here so I can punch you in the face.

Chewbacca

Chewbacca – hairy beast from Star Wars… no wait, that’s George Lucas.

Bud Light

Bud Light – alcoholic water. Winner of Bud Bowl III.

Panama

Panama – not just a country in Central America with a canal. It’s also the title of a kick ass Van Halen song that was on my basketball team’s warm-up tape senior year.

muzac

muzac – popular songs played on what is presumably a Casio keyboard from K Mart, and piped into elevators and doctor’s offices worldwide. You know you’ve made it as a musician if someone is strangling their co-worker in an elevator to the muzac version of your hit song.

Mohammed

Mohammed – seemingly a pretty cool dude: founded Islam, united millions of people, brilliant prophet, probably rocked the sandals. But for some reason, not everyone’s a fan.

Jesus

Jesus – seemingly a pretty cool dude: walking on water, coming back to life, always wearing sandals, healing the sick. But for some reason not everyone’s a fan.

Friendly's

Friendly’s – restaurant chain known for its “Fribble” milkshakes. “Fribble” is the breed of rat they chop up and mix into the shakes for that extra zing.

fixins

fixins – shit you put on your food. Possible fixins include: pickles, onions, anything from the bacon family, cheese, lettuce, tomato, anything by Chef Boyardee.

lightsaber

lightsaber – weapon of choice for Jedi knights and dorks standing in line 6 weeks in advance for tickets to see Star Wars.

Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson – Less talented than her sister(Jessica Simpson)’s left breast. Karaoke night at Chi-Chi’s produces better singers

Aretha Franklin

Aretha Franklin – The Queen of Soul who slowly became The Queen of Lard and Baby Back Ribs.

James Brown

James Brown - The Godfather of Soul who became The Godfather of Crack Binges That Render Him a Raving Lunatic. Also known as The Hardest Working Man in Show Business… although I don’t know that he worked anywhere other than Popeye’s in the last 10 years of his life.

Mike Piazza

Mike Piazza – longtime “catcher” for the New York Mets. He’s still trying to prove he’s not gay, but even without the moustache he runs like a 13 year old girl, and has a weaker arm to boot.

rectal thermometer

rectal thermometer – one of the few things you’re supposed to put in a kid’s ass. They say it’s the most accurate means of taking someone’s temperature, but if you’re so hot that you’re even contemplating shoving an instrument up your ass, I’d say you’re definitely not feeling well.

PT Cruiser

PT Cruiser – in 2000, Chrysler debuted this car that became the preferred vehicle for people who weren’t cool but thought they were.

Pictionary

Pictionary – responsible for more domestic violence and verbal abuse than alcohol and unemployment put together.

Gap

Gap – retail clothing store whose primary goal is to make America look lame.

French-Canadian

French-Canadian – the definition of a double whammy.

Dr. Scholl's

Dr. Scholl’s – shoe inserts to help with comfort and odor. What my great aunt smells like.

Domino's

Domino’s – the pizza chain that made my college years so blissful. We had their phone number on speed dial. Caution: only tastes good if you have no money and are between the ages of 18 and 23.

Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi Lauper – once quoted as saying “girls just wanna have fun.” I’m not sure I believe her, because most girls I’ve met “just wanna have my baby!” Awww yeah!

chloroform

chloroform – the media has taught me that you use chloroform to render your victim unconscious. I don’t know that it has other uses.

Boones

Boones – cheap wine featured in many a Kid Rock song. Great for drinking next to a dumpster.

pogo stick

pogo-stick – a toy that dates back to the early 1900’s that is perfect for that young boy or girl who just hasn’t had enough massive head trauma.

Sally Struthers

Sally Struthers – formerly Gloria Bunker from the sitcom All in the Family, she has been a crusader for starving children for many years now, although it would seem, by her appearance, that a large percentage of the funds she raises are funneled directly into her own Pizza Hut account.