1,001 Baby Vagina Names

1,001 Baby Vagina Names – If this book actually existed, no matter how helpful it might be, I'd have to bathe just to open it.

McDLT

McDLT – McDonalds sandwich in the 80’s whose major selling point was that the burger stayed hot and the lettuce and tomato stayed cool and crisp in the special dual compartment styrofoam container. Genius.

Is that your final answer?

Is that your final answer?! – phrase made popular by Regis Philbin on the game show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” As if Regis needed any help being a douche, Americans quickly adopted this phrase to use in any situation where a question had to be answered, thereby rendering it soul crushing.

Hulk

Hulk – green freak who capitalized on the “man becomes freak after exposure to radioactive material” craze of the 60’s (Spiderman, Fantastic Four). I always loved his purple corduroy pants.

Hostess

Hostess – makers of Twinkies and Ho-Hos, among other such delights. They used to make these sweet chocolate pudding pies. I’d eat three on my way to school everyday from 4th-6th grade. Thanks Hostess... for paving the way to obesity.

George Michael's Bi-Weekly Wednesday Night Masquerade Orgy

George Michael’s Bi-Weekly Wednesday Night Masquerade Orgy – Britain’s number one tourist attraction.

flannel shirt

flannel shirt – popular outerwear for lumberjacks and lesbians. During the grunge era of the 90’s every dick with long hair and a goatee wore them, with one tied around their waists and another fashioned into a headband or do-rag.

cooze waterfall

cooze waterfall – you have to go to a Krispy Kreme and see this to appreciate it fully. It’s literally a liquid sugar waterfall. If I could bathe in it, I would, but they kick you out of the store for that.

cleavage

cleavage – along with sarcasm and cold drinks, my favorite thing in the world.

Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson – the quintessential man’s man. A poor man’s Dirty Harry and the only man my father will always stop for when he’s flipping through the channels.

beret

beret – outside of a vest, the most ridiculous thing you could ever put on your body and try to pass off as clothing.

Meat Loaf

Meat Loaf – both a fat singer who peaked in the 70’s and an entrée served in homes, restaurants, and school cafeterias for generations. It’s debatable which has more charisma. It seems as though he "would do anything for love... but [he] won't do that." And by "that" he means: share his hoagie.

Micheal J. Fox

Michael J. Fox – I mentioned some of his most iconic roles, but none of those even come close to the one, the only, Doc Hollywood. Also, the inspiration for 3 Names, the celebrity name game that derives its pleasure from our basic knowledge of celebrity names. The game goes as follows:
Me: Hey, don't you love Mike Fox?
You: Who's Mike Fox?
Me: You know, Mike Fox, the actor.
You: I have no idea who that is.
Me: What? Micheal Fox? How can you not know who that is?
You: No idea. What has this "Mike Fox" been in?
Me: You know, Mike Fox? Alex P. Keaton?
You: Not ringing a bell.
Me: This is shocking. He's a legend! Mike Fox.
You: Who?!
Me: Micheal J. Fox
You: Ohhhh! Michael JAY Fox. Yeah, I loved him in Doc Hollywood.
Me: Yeah, he's not the same without the "LLLL J."

It's a highly entertaining game: insert most any triple name celebrity and let the hilarity ensue. (James Earl Jones, Zachary Ty Brian, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the other kid from Home Improvement) Feel free to mix in initials and popular nicknames to prolong the game and throw your opponent off.

Orlando Bloom

Orlando Bloom – I really don’t know anything about Orlando Bloom. Is he a celebrity of some sort?

porn

porn – short for “pornography.” The new national pastime.

Hershey squirts

Hershey squirts – another name for diarrhea, but there are too many people who use the term when someone farts. Let's try to have some self-respect, people.

1984

1984 – A sweet Van Halen album, if not for “Hot For Teacher” then for the little kid with wings smoking butts on the cover... or, a book about spying on people... or, the year when they started forcing boys to shower together after gym class.

Come On Eileen

Come On Eileen – the one song in the history of music that makes me throw up.

Cinn-A-Bons

Cinn-A-Bons – I’ve never had them, but I like to think they taste like melted unicorns... which are delicious, by the way.