Marines

Marines – US military outfit that wisely refused to admit Sean Gavigan into its officer training corps, despite his several attempts to join. Had they allowed him in, they would have had to change their slogan to: “The Few, The Proud, The Blinded by Rage and Testosterone.”

horse tranquilizers

horse tranquilizers – what kept Elvis alive for the last three years of his life. A great way to get a girl to “like you.”

Hokey Pokey

Hokey Pokey – another lame dance geared toward children and/or drunk 50 year old wedding guests named Lois.

Pac-Man

Pac-Man – video game icon created in 1980. Looks like a yellow pizza with one slice missing. I assume one of the ghosts ate the slice and that’s why Pac-Man gets pissed and tries to eat them. I can only imagine who ate Ms. Pac-Man.

moonshine

moonshine – homemade booze. Extremely potent and more often than not, made out of turpentine and fermented corn before it’s dispensed into Mason jars and sold off the back of a pick-up truck.

Matchbox 20

Matchbox 20 – if you like shitty, generic “rock” music… this is your band. Once I made my son listen to their song “3 A.M.” for an hour as punishment.

Mad Shitter

Mad Shitter – anonymous defecator sent here from another time to terrify you in a public bathroom. You never know when the Mad Shitter will strike.

diarrhea

diarrhea – pissing out your asshole. I almost prefer it because there’s almost no work and it’s usually a clean wipe.

Designing Women

Designing Women – another classic sitcom of the late 80’s and early 90’s that allowed America to watch Delta Burke transform from beauty queen to hippopotamus... a sexy hippopotamus.

Denise Huxtable

Denise Huxtable – the second Huxtable child, Lisa Bonet brought her teen sexuality to the role of Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show. One time she slammed her car into Stevie Wonder’s limo, and the whole Huxtable clan got to meet him in his recording studio.

Charo

Charo – one of the most annoying people to walk the face of the earth. It’s amazing what people thought was entertaining in the 70’s.

Cher

Cher – one step above Charo.

Asian stripper

Asian stripper – a leotard and some creepy leering men away from being an Asian gymnast.

Asian gymnast

Asian gymnast – a pole and some creepy leering men away from being an Asian stripper.

Don't Go There!

Don’t Go There – you will regret saying what you’re about to say if you say it. Over used by people in middle management at shitty office jobs and white people who think it makes them sound more “street.”

taxidermy

taxidermy – the "art" of preserving animal, fish, and other carcasses for aesthetic value and bragging rights.

Growing Pains

Growing Pains – the sitcom that depicted the life and times of the Seaver family (Jason, Maggie, Mike, Carol, Ben, and later, when the show started to shit the bed, Chrissy). They had a character on the show named “Boner.” How sweet is that?

gal dern

gal dern – ?????

Fat Fairy

Fat Fairy – this mythical creature appears during naps and gives people spare tires, extra chins, and stretch marks. Looks like Kirstie Alley with wings, a pork chop in one hand and spray butter in the other.

exercise ball

exercise ball – on the list of “Things I Ignore When I Walk By Them,” it’s number three behind crying babies and vegetables.

Danny DeVito

Danny De Vito – whenever someone talks about an uncle I’ve never met, I picture De Vito. His work on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is as good as his work on the film Twins, with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Dachshund

Dachshund – most people use the term Wiener Dog. I think Dachshund should be the next Saab convertible.

chicks

chicks – another in a long line of degrading terms for women. If you called Jesse Spano (from Saved by the Bell) a “chick” she would kick Slater in the groin. One time Jesse took some speed and was out of control studying for a test.

blow

blow – cocaine, or what I wish I could do to myself.

Alex Keaton

Alex Keaton – before Marty McFly and Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties, the hugely popular 80’s sitcom. One time Alex took some speed and was out of control studying for a test.