floater

floater – shit that just won’t go down. Not to be confused with a chick that just won't go down... that's a cock tease.

bikini

bikini - or as I refer to them: "Boner Factories." It helps if a hot girl is running the factory.

Dunkin' Donuts

Dunkin’ Donuts – what America runs on, apparently. I always thought we ran on a cocktail of equal parts meth, steroids, and dreams.

Dom Perignon

Dom Perignon – apparently, this is some really expensive champagne. I wouldn’t know off hand because the most expensive thing I ever had to drink was a half empty bottle of water from the Britney Spears “Onyx Hotel” Tour that I bought on eBay.

Dinty Moore Beef Stew

Dinty Moore Beef Stew – uncontested leader in the “canned meat stew type food” category. Its selling point is its versatility. It makes for a nutritious pet food, a sufficient engine and sexual lubricant, convincing novelty vomit, potent laxative, enriching garden fertilizer. You might say it's worst when used as food for humans.

hiplace

hiplace - a necklace you wear around your hips for maximum fuckability. I put one on a year ago and haven't seen it since.

"Do it to it!"

"Do it to it!" - term used by small engine mechanics, custodians, and anyone who wears flannel regularly. It's really the thinking man's "Git 'R Done!"

Jamiroquai

Jamiroquai – band from the 90’s that specialized in having an over the top annoying lead singer (Jay Kay) who wore a stupid looking hat all the time. Stay tuned for their appearance at the Shoney's off exit 44 on I-77 in Beckley, WV: half price apps.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson – hands down, one of the sexiest women this world has known. She’s so sexy I’m not even going to do a “Baywatch” joke here… or a Tommy Lee joke… or a hepatitis joke… or a Kid Rock joke… or a Barb Wire joke… or a PETA joke. OK, maybe a PETA joke: Isn’t fucking Kid Rock some sort of animal rights violation, like molesting a retarded chimp?

Nick at Nite

Nick at Nite – helping keep losers (including myself) occupied 24 hours a day by programming hours and hours of late night vintage sitcoms. Actually forces people to ask the question: "Can I afford to watch another Home Improvement, I mean, psychologically?"

Jenny Craig

Jenny Craig – what you tell fat people to try when you want to stop arguing with them.

Christmas

Christmas - Holiday that brought about the term "Gentile Envy."

Black & Decker Workmate

Black & Decker Workmate – for the man who has everything except something completely useless.

Bible

Bible – either the best book of short stories ever written or the worst. Depends on who you ask.

Andre the Giant

Andre the Giant – his head was the size of a Buick, he could squash babies between his fingers, and he was one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but isn’t calling him “The Giant,” kind of rude and redundant?

Ace of Base

Ace of Base – atrocious 90’s band that my freshman year roommate, Dan Drews, played non-stop. Their song “The Sign” was responsible for more awful dancing than Moby and ecstasy put together.

Rec Specs

Rec Specs - spectacles for recreational purposes. Made famous by athletes and now relegated to people who pick them out of lost and found boxes at the Y.

Rascal

Rascal - motorized transportation for, apparently, anyone. Every time I see one I try to guess why the person might need it. If they're not 450 lbs, 100 years old, or wearing a full body cast, they are cocksuckers.

vacation

vacation - time when you don't update your blog.
Ex: last week

Disney World

Disney World - family fat camp with limited results.

minivan

minivan - the ultimate symbol of America. Nothing says "suburban apathy" like a Dodge Caravan full of sweaty 9 year olds... unfortunately, nothing says "sex offender" like that either.

Single Ladies

Single Ladies - Beyonce song with a powerful message of female empowerment, negated only by millions of guys rattling off loads into empty pizza boxes watching the video on their iPods as their roommate sleeps in the bed above them. You can burn something in effigy, but can you jerk off to something in effigy? You can now! ^