bullest dyke

bullest dyke – of all the lesbians, the one who looks most like Jay Leno.

black light posters

black light posters – all the rage at 7th grade make-out parties and dorm rooms of assholes who think they will help them get chicks. Must contain either a skull, a wizard, or a pot leaf.

anal warts

anal warts – pretty much anything in the anus is bad, but I imagine warts to be about the worst. Why would you put a toad in your ass anyway?

Velveeta

Velveeta – a wonderful cheese product from Kraft that comes in brick form. It’s definitely not cheese, but whatever it is, it’s full of creamy goodness. Best when eaten raw by lopping chunks off the "cheese" brick with a fork.

yuppie

yuppie – term used to describe Young Urban Professionals in the 80’s. Loose translation: pompous asshole who may or may not wear his collar up. Porsche optional.

Tijuana

Tijuana (or "TJ" if you're from The OC)– this city in Mexico is like a real, live action eBay. You can buy or sell anything there: babies, abortions, narcotics, women, Kentucky Fried Chicken, fake IDs. Their slogan is: “No matter how long you’re here, you always go back with something… that may or may not be contagious.”

inator

inator – when added to the end of a name, adds instant credibility and toughness.

hand-job/HJ

hand-job/HJ – what $10 will get you in any bus station restroom.

Electric Slide

Electric Slide – a group dance too often performed at weddings and other ceremonial gatherings, made popular by the movie “The Super” starring Joe Pesci… making it’s popularity that much more astounding.

drop ceiling

drop ceiling – ceiling with panels that “drop” into a metal frame. Each panel’s ability to be removed and replaced efficiently provides a wonderful hiding place for porn, guns, severed limbs, candy, and other contraband.

David Lee Roth

David Lee Roth (DLR)– fits perfectly into my personal definition of “rock star,” from the spandex to getting busted for buying weed in Washington Square Park to becoming an EMT? and all the leg kicks and womanizing in between.

Damn Straight

Damn Straight – an exclamation in the affirmative. Ex: “Would you like some fresh ground pepper?” “Damn Straight! Bring it!”

Cream of Wheat

Cream of Wheat – my Mom always tried to replace my oatmeal with this, thinking I wouldn’t notice, but it tastes like glue and has the consistency of a yeast infection? I don’t even know what that means.

Chevy Impala

Chevy Impala – one of Chevy’s “hey I drive an army tank, but not really” models.

Cavalier

Cavalier – one of Chevy’s “hey I’ve got a sports car, but not really” models.

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel – fairy tale brother and sister tandem. The first children to fall for the line “hey kids, want some candy?”

inny

inny – a belly button that dips inward for maximum lint and residue collection. Outies are creepy. They look like your stomach is taking a shit.

wing sauce

wing sauce – like syrup on waffles, when you use wing sauce, no matter how careful you are you always end up finding some on your elbow a week later.

Wiffle bat

Wiffle bat – long, yellow, plastic baseball bat used to hit round, white, plastic baseballs and particularly unruly children.

Whoppers

Whoppers – plural form of Burger King’s mack daddy of burgers. The Whopper just might be the perfect fast food burger, big and sloppy, just like Mom… used to make.

voodoo doll

voodoo doll – a doll fashioned in the likeness of your sworn enemy. Supposedly, whatever you do to the doll will really happen to whomever it represents. But there’s really no substitute for kicking your enemy in the crotch with your own foot.

Valentines Day

Valentines Day – my favorite day of the year. Sex and candy, what more could you ask for?

Pepsi

Pepsi – second rate soft drink. When I order a Coke and the waitress says, “Is Pepsi OK?” I answer with, “No, go back in the kitchen, piss in a frosty mug, then have your fattest ugliest cook hock a loogie in it. I’d much rather drink that than Pepsi.”

onesie

onesie – name for an infants garment that snaps together in the crotch in order to make diaper changing in the middle of the night as challenging as possible.

Oklahoma!

Oklahoma! – lavish musical by Rodgers and Hammerstein. Nothing says musical theater like an exclamation point at the end of the title.

McDonalds

McDonalds – fast food chain with over one billion served… and only roughly 65% experienced crippling diarrhea.